Dieting, A Thousand Calories of Guilt with every Mouthful of Food

To diet or not to diet that is the question.

Today I had a revelation, and this occurred as I turned and walked back from my dog walk at 7am this morning. I had smelled the wonderful Llandudno air, watched how the sun sparkled on the sea whilst my ears absorbed the sound of bird song as they bobbed around in their daily quest to find food.
My revelation, such as it is, I was not going to spend the rest of my life dieting. Not a major thought I hear you say but to me it is a biggy. I am nearly 70 years old and think it's time to stop this constant cycle of self analysis about why I am fat. Oh yes it's true I am and I am the only one allowed to say it.

I have spent every day of my adult life waking up to the thought of 'today I must diet' and it started in my twenties probably a lot sooner than that.  When I woke up this morning I began straight away with the usual thought of, wether or not to eat breakfast, and believe me when I say that I love my breakfast even though it's a perfectly normal meal of cereal and fruit, healthy enough. I then go through the rest of the day struggling with whether this or that meal is high in calories or fattening or not right in some way. I can rarely enjoy the food because each meal carries a thousand calories worth of guilt. If I am going to enjoy a meal then I must also carry that burdon. Maybe I have never enjoyed eating although I am overwieght, because if I enjoy it then it's wrong.

I have yo yo dieted over the last 30 years or so and in the early days it could be classed as my having a serious eating disorder. Never quite anorexic, but starving myself for days on some ridiculously savage  diet. Of course when that fad had finished I would put back the weight, continuing to rebel against myself, eventually starting again a week later.

I consider myself an intelligent woman and confident in life in so many ways and yet I have never hacked this issue. I know there are guru's out there who think they have the answer and would jump on the band waggon with advice of more exercise, eat less and cut down on this and that. Believe me I have been there, seen it and done it and no one knows more about food and healthy eating than me.  My husband is tall and slim and he is a faddy eater so I have to think about our meals and want to make sure he has fruit and veg daily so thanks to him we do eat healthily. I get upset and annoyed when I see how fat people are berated by the media for eating junk food and of course, many do but I don't and know many like me who would not touch a burger or fry up with a barge pole.

So this morning on my walk I made the decision that all dieting must go, there must be a clear out of rubbish from my psychy, sweep away all forms of diet manuals from my brain, throw out the self loathing take on board more self love. Clear away thoughts of my being a bad person if I eat something nice, and good if I stick rigidly to some high fibre, low fat, sugar free, calorie counting obsessive diet.

Therefore my middle of the years resolution for 2013 is, to give up my struggle to be slim,  be happy with myself as I am and just allow myself to BE.