After only nine years in the job of being a second wife to a second husband I have decided to call it a day. As the Americans so eloquently put it ' I am done'. It didn't happen over night, although 'him in doors' thinks it has. It's been creeping on slowly, a little bit of disharmony here and a bit of disgruntled resentment there, a great yawning lack of appreciation and warmth from him and a sense of insecurity about not feeling loved or cherished from me.
I know, we all go through it and in relationships one has to compromise and anticipate along with all the other clichés one can come up with. 'Nobodies perfect', 'it takes two to tango', and we all have our funny little ways don't we? All aimed toward reassuring myself that I have my faults and funny little ways too, and needless to say, no one is perfect.
I am almost 70 and have been there, seen it and done it. I have been through so much in my life and know that I can compromise and work hard that I can give and take but I also recognise when it's not working and when there is a landslide.
In my first marriage we were together a long time and we would never have come to this, but sadly he died and left me thirteen years ago. With thirty years of marriage under our belt we had bitten the bullet so many times our teeth nearly fell out. However we stuck it through and came around to being 'together' through most ups and downs which generally made us stronger. His terrible long illness and subsequent death at only 57 the greatest test of all which left me bereft and floundering for a long time. It is true to say that there had been times when I did feel like walking out of that marriage but the important thing is, I never did, we always seemed to work it out. Back then I know that this was a lifetime commitment to a man who had given me stability. We used to laugh about how he saw me as like a little astronaut drifting off from the space ship to explore strange new lands (he was the space ship) then I would float back into the safe haven he offered to ground myself and fill him in on what I had been doing on this or that training course with this or that person. Always, the island he offered was sturdy and filled with solid ground but the main thing was I always knew he loved me and I him.
Perhaps older second marriages are never easy because there has so much gone before. Each of us with our own families, children and grandchildren, each with either resentment about having a new 'step mother or step grandparent'. Remarrying in the latter years can either be wonderful or troublesome. Not getting on with the other's children might be only a small part of it but even when resentment isn't obvious it will be there and can be felt in the air between and not always from the children. All that aside the newly formed twosome must be strong enough to deal with the aging process, illness and insecurities and I wonder now could it ever have worked because there was no steady ground built in years together beneath our feet. We have been living on ever shifting sand and our relationship over time has begun to sink.
I could feel lots of passing issues between us but apparently it was only me who felt that insecurity. It's strange isn't it that we only recognise issues and uncertainties from the past when the present becomes unsteady. In retrospect one can look back and see where the rungs on the ladder started to crack and coming back down the rungs has been difficult and destabilising.
'Love is a trap' my mother used to say and 'Marriage is an eye opener'
Maybe that's true but surely all each of us wants from a long term relationship is to feel loved, cherished and cared for, especially in old age. A lot depends upon how much the other is prepared to make it work.
For a while now I haven't felt loved which is like being starved, I know because I have taken to comfort eating. I am a naturally loving and warm natured person and have become the one who is chasing love, seeking it working hard for it. Now I realise I have done what is historical for me, trying too hard to keep the other happy and in so doing given up on myself. I feel sad and disappointed it is over but I also think it is better for each to part before we emotionally damage each other any further.
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