I 'Vant' to Be Alone

I have reached the age of 70 and  decided that I 'vant to be alone' like Greta Garbo, the old  movie star, who dramatically uttered the famous words whenever she felt overwhelmed by the demands of others.
I too want to be alone,  not isolated, merely living with myself in harmony, if that is possible.
I never really wanted  nor expected to be alone, indeed feared it as I have grown older. However now see it as a form of sanctuary.

When we go into a life time relationship with someone, perhaps we have to give up something of ourselves in order to live together? For example when you care deeply for another person isn't there an element of anticipating the other's needs? Recognising when they are having difficulties with health or emotional upsets, supporting and helping them through tough times.  Maybe my post war generation  was raised with  some Victorian values towards marriage.

In a strong marriage a couple become a partnership, best friends, giving each other security in so many ways. Each brings love and shared intimacy and acceptance of the other's foibles, needs and desires. Generally they have similar values about family and life in general.

It takes time to develop this process generally based upon a deep understanding of one another. Gradually becoming the foundations for the future.
You may not agree,  perhaps you believe that living in harmony means keeping your own council, looking after yourself and only giving what is asked for at any given time. This does not allow for symbiosis and sadly one half of the relationship might  be looking after oneself whilst the other is trying to keep the relationship alive. The cause of so many breakups.

When a healthy symbiosis is formed it means interdependence, interaction, co-operation and trust. With care this process ebbs and flows between the two. However when one or all of these processes fall down surely the partnership will  slowly disintegrate.

Many of those I have worked with as a therapist blame the breakup of their partnership on loss of trust. 'I no longer trust that s/he will be there if and when I need him/her' is very familiar. Not just trust in being true to the relationship but trusting that one can rely on the other in various times in life with family and illness etc.  Trust is implicit in any partnership but if that trust is broken then the foundations of the relationship become shifting sand. To trust your other half, means to have faith and a belief of the others commitment to the relationship. It means an expectation of each other, a reliance and confidence in the other being there. Once trust is fractured then so is the symbiosis, doubts become cracks in the walls of the relationship, questions seep in as to whether or not there is true co-operation and once lost can only be patched up, that is,  if it can  be regained at all.

I would hear one half of a partnership say, 'I don't know if I can trust her again.'
Always with the expectation that the other to fail you so grains of paranoia seep into the structure. Faith is lost in relationship which may never be regained.

I have lived alone for three years before following the death of my first husband after 30 years together. After the initial terror of being left I got used to it and some aspects enjoyed, but during that three years moments of loneliness led me towards finding someone new. That was nearly nine years ago and now, sadly I have made the mammoth decision to leave. No easy move because of course, being alone at 25 or even 55 is easier because one can be confident in ones health and general sense of well being.

However even though I recognise the pitfalls of living alone I also do not trust myself to stay for the right reasons. Maybe I expect too much from a relationship but is trust, co-operation, expectation and confidence too much to ask? Is feeling loved too much to ask?

Up to now I have not mentioned love, finding someone attractive is not love, it is the first step on a thousand mile journey of discovery. Love grows with trust and commitment that is why so many relationships last for a life time because they have found the keys to success. However there is no chance of success when one in the partnership gives love openly and willingly whilst the other takes it without much return.   Of course some people are more capable of deep warm affectionate love, whilst others are less free with the giving side which for me is the beginning of the end. Whilst one basks in the warmth of the giver the giver slowly fades away.

One can keep on giving love and affection to another but if it is not symbiotically exchanged how can one survive without becoming tired and drained of energy?