I have
recently joined a new group for meeting friends, women of like minds and age
talking like only women can, about their lives, their loves peppered with a bit
of gossip, some laughs about their other half and family ups and downs. It doesn’t get better than
that. It felt good to laugh and chat together and reach levels of closeness and
intimacy that comes from being with other women. It was whilst soaking up that
ambiance I became acutely aware of how freely I talked. Revealing who I was and
what I had done over the last few years since retiring to North Wales. I felt
relaxed as if I had known these women for years. It was so easy to show myself,
my new life with my relatively new husband.
Growing old has its advantages.
As a young
woman I recall how painfully shy I was. Anxious about saying too much or not
saying enough and conscious of how I looked, what people thought, and always in
my imagination failing to measure up to their expectations, whatever they might
have been. My real self was hidden behind some need to protect from
disapproval, failure, and worse still being seen as stupid. My major issue was
observing ‘myself’ through the eyes of others, constantly trying to interpret
another’s expectation. Exhausting! How many, I wonder have had this experience.
Now at
nearly seventy years old I realise what it means to ‘be myself’ and this has been a process rather than an event. It is about being authentic, real,
spontaneous and relaxed around others. It’s about self-acceptance and feeling
good-enough. It’s a time when you are no longer on trial, whether in your mind
or because of another’s opinion.
So many
people find it difficult to be close within friendships, carrying a fear of
intimacy because of the dread of loss, fear of rejection and failure, many trying to anticipate what others expect
so that, in itself, prevents a sense of freedom.
To be true
to oneself means being a leader rather than a follower, taking opportunities as
they arise without fear of making mistakes or rejection. Letting go of the idea that we need to
behave, think and feel in a certain way to impress or keep in with others.
What’s
important going ahead and making choices without needing constant reassurance
from others and setting boundaries so that others cannot influence you into
doing something you don’t want to. As I have grown older it has become obvious
that being me merely means having self-value, self -respect and self-esteem.
This has not happened over night, it has, of course been a gradual process and
life has presented many obstacles over which I have climbed, making me into the
person I have become. I am grateful to have had so many chances at being
myself. I would not turn back the clock. I would not want to be young again
unless as the old cliché implies, ‘if I knew then what I know now’.
This was first published on Gransnet.com blogs
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