WHAT KEEPS US TOGETHER?

What keeps us together when that first flush of love begins to fade?

When we go into a long term relationship, for example marriage or partnership do we envisage the changes we will need to make to keep that relationship going?  Indeed do we even notice how we change over the years together in such intimacy? Young and in love in marriage we have to adapt to stay together to a certain degree, however without realising, one or both partners may slowly lose them-self in order to stay with the other. So many things occur within the process of life and development, work, friendships, children and money issues, to name a few which will influence how we continue. Trauma and how we deal with that together can be a test of any partnership.  

My grandma had a saying 'Love is a trap' and 'marriage is an eye opener'  another one was 'It takes ten year to get to know the person you live with.' or 'do you ever really know them?'

Of course no one takes much notice of these old sayings, when one first meets and falls in love all one can think of is how to stay together. These sayings imply that we walk into to some relationships with our eyes shut and gradually over time become shocked and hurt by the others behaviour. Maybe that is so especially in extreme cases of hurt like infidelity and abuse.

We all think that we know the person we have fallen in love with  but love does strange things and  over time we make new discoveries about this 'other half', and yet once we have found love, the very idea of losing it brings fear and uncertainty. When we fall in love we may become embroiled in the need for the other. Hiding some things from ourselves and often blatantly ignoring them in the hope that the other will change.

  How do two people learn to live together in harmony?

There has to be a certain amount of adaptation and that is good thing. This adaptation also includes compromise. Sadly however there can be an imbalance where one   half of the couple may be doing the adapting and compromising and the other failing miserably.

Imagine a happy couple where one is more prone to expressing their emotions openly whilst the other keeps emotions well and truly under wraps. How does each cope with that?  It is quite common to see each other as chalk and cheese, many couples are what might be termed as 'an unlikely match' and yet seem to rub along together quite happily so this must mean there has to acceptance, give and take and so on.  

When we first meet this other we consciously and unconsciously show our best side. Indeed very often we chose to ignore the bleeps in the other's personality, seeing little peculiarities as lovable but these little quirks in our beloved may gradually become irritating.

Should we ignore these little alarm bells or should we confront. Should we deal with things head on or should we put resentments to one side? Does not facing the problems mean we are suppressing our emotions or does it mean we are accepting of aspects of our relationship that cannot be resolved?

 I do not think there is any secret to a long term relationship I think it is a case of what each of us can deal with, how the percentages work out. Maybe if you are over fifty per cent happy then gradually the resentments can fade into the background but may keep raising an ugly head gradually swamped by resentment. If over seventy per cent happy then past transgressions can be folded away like an old blanket and put into a cupboard. I do not believe that anyone one can be one hundred per cent happy but I do know that if upsets are not faced they will keep coming back like a recurring boil that cannot be cured.

I would love to know what keeps your relationship on par, is there a secret to your relationship? I often wonder when I hear couples saying something along the lines of

‘We’ve been together for forty years and never had a cross word,’ can that really be true?