LIVING WITH LOSS

Loss comes in many forms, and when we lose someone we ask questions of the universe, why did s/he die? Why did s/he leave me? Why him or her? Why did this happen?

As a therapist I would meet loss every day when working with my clients and I have also experienced it more closely in the death of my husband in 2001.

Because life is about searching for meaning and trying to make sense of the world around us a close personal tragedy brings an even greater need for understanding and clarity. We so want to find some reason why we experience confusion and disorder, our minds become clouded with disbelief in the face of death.  

We humans have a desperate need to control our destiny and yet the loss of a loved one to death shows us that we have no control and that in life there is a sense of impermanence.

For a time we are thrown into a surreal world where everything looks different and yet is the same to those around us. How many found your-self caught in a kind of distorted reality? I remember questioning, shortly after my husband’s death, how all those people could just carry on buying their shopping in the supermarket. How come they didn’t know that my husband had died only a few days earlier? Strange I know but it was how I felt at that time.  How come the world just carries on as if nothing had happened? 

When someone you love dies either suddenly or in the case of a terminal illness it is difficult not to get sucked into death with them. More often than not struggling with the need to die one-self, and believing for a time that there is no point to life.  

We live in a society that is conditioned to deny death, it’s made easy on television, we see people die several times in the media, and we see a quick recovery, however we know it is not that simple. Death on TV and the Movies is emotionless and surreal.

Here are some of the things that we need to grieve about and where expectations of a quick recovery can be high.

Still births, miscarriages and termination of pregnancy.

Death of a loved significant other in the present day, which may be a trigger for past events, for example, separation, harm, and endings which were traumatic from childhood.

Illness and injury to self or other, including pets, destruction of houses, office building, cities and countries, loss of limb, object and possessions like jewelry, memorabilia, and cars and finally change of space or quarters, moving house, translocation of work and home.

 

In loss it is essential to remember that you need to go through a process of mourning whilst also giving your self and others permission to follow it through, no matter how long it takes. In the beginning it’s important to come to terms with the disbelief, where the bereaved is still expecting the lost other to return and cannot imagine that they have gone forever, this goes hand in hand with a sense of numbness. In loss there has to be pain and it is important to express the tears of sorry over and over until it gradually eases. There follows a period of adjustment, getting used to doing things alone, things that you have done with the lost love regularly, ordinary everyday things. Finally going full circle to putting energy back into living and making a new life without the lost other and this may be about finding a new love, going out socially again and so on.

 

Throughout the grieving process you may experience both physical and emotional disturbances, for example; Sleep disturbances, Guilt and self remorse, Appetite disturbances, Lack of concentration, Withdrawal from friends and family, Dreams and nightmares about the loss issue, Searching and yearning, Restlessness and over activity and Crying and wailing it is important to see your doctor for some help in managing this level of distress also talking things through with family and friends.

It is important to remember all of this is normal and will last as long as it lasts. There is no prescription for how to be after the loss of a loved one. We are all different so remember to be kind to yourself if you are grieving,  and also be patient with someone you know who may be grieving. So often whilst grieving I felt that some of those around me thought that I should be over it. Generally that was because they just couldn't cope with my feelings.