CHANGE NOW OR FOREVER WISH YOU HAD

It's nearly time to leave  Conwy behind.  I will be moving to Cornwall and am so looking forward to it. Being near to my daughter, son in law and granddaughters. My little family.
 They say that selling a house,  separating from someone and losing someone you love, are at the top of the list of most stressful things we can do.
I think losing someone you love to death is the most horrendous of all,  one can grow to live with this loss over time but not so easy to recover from. However selling a house with all it involves, and the behaviour of some buyers leaves one disillusioned with human nature.
Splitting up with a husband or wife is  a loss, even if you are the one making the decision to leave. This choice is a difficult one because there is so much to lose. A home, possessions, even pets have to be in the mix. Having someone there and not being alone can keep us from going through with the it. When one first makes this life changing decision it is about personalities, disagreements and anger, but as time passes it is like ridding a roller coaster,  hanging upside down supported only by a 'strength of will' safety belt.
Looking beyond the emotional disruption and physical work involved in packing and clearing out makes the process therapeutic. Clearing, sorting and decision making about  what to keep or let go is cleansing. I have gone through the worst of it now just waiting for D day to complete the process.
When it started I thought I wouldn't make it, giving in and giving up to the way things were, but here I am almost at the end, gone through the ordeal of living in the same house and holding onto the future as I hope it will be.  It means starting again at 70 years old but I have started again so often and in so many ways I am offay with what needs to be done when I get to where I am going.
Karma and what my lesson in life is,  was why I began to write but I have strayed a little from that idea. I am  happy in  the knowledge that one can do anything, but not always easily. 
Change can be frightening but it is cleansing.  I know that if I don't do it now in six months time I will wish I had. Even though the future looks uncertain, and I feel somewhat insecure I know it will be OK.
What have I learned in all of this?
That I am still learning.

THIS DIFFICULT TIME WILL PASS WON'T IT?

'Life is a roller coast and ya just gotta ride it' the words from a well known song by Ronan Keating. Poignant  and significant for me or anyone else who is in the throws of one of life's many hurdles right now. How do we get through these times that seem so distressing and painful? When we are in the sinking sand do we struggle and sink further or do we just wait until something or someone happens along and helps us out? What do you say to yourself at these times?

Generally at difficult moments in my life I try to look past them, beyond the difficulty, to a time when it will be over. Does it help? Not sure, but it does get me to see into the future when the trauma will be over and I will be back on track with day to day doings. If a hurdles takes weeks to climb then  that coping mechanism doesn't always work, I just have to find various ways to manage. Some people can cut off  emotionally, sadly for me that isn't easy. I envy those with the ability to disassociate from distress however my levels of anxiety stay in the digestive system. That constant butterfly churning   that stays in  awareness, never letting up until the worst is over.
It is like walking on shifting sand, worried about each step taken towards the finishing line.

Does worry and stress really take it's toll on us? There are differing views.
Stress is the reaction to any change that requires upheaval or adjustment in life. It is the body's reaction to change, mental, physical and emotional. It is an everyday occurrence but sometimes it is bigger than normal and requires us to make life changing decisions.
Stress is a normal part of life in daily moderation. Many things go on around us and many things we do to ourselves, like making huge changes in circumstances, maybe biting off more than we thought we could chew. Sometimes we are just confronted with outside forces we have no control over .

Somatisation is a when we experience a physical illness in response to stress. When we hold the emotional consequences of what is going on in life within ourselves expressing it through  physical symptoms. Stress without relief leads to distress which in turn leads to ill health. If one already has a physical problem like a bad back, or migraines, or heart condition  then the stress manifests itself in this vulnerable part of the body. Blood pressure, chest pain, sleeplessness all can worsen an already chronic condition.

How do you deal with stress?
Even though I keep telling myself it will pass soon, I am fighting with myself not to make these necessary changes to my life, which would relieve one aspect of the trauma but then I would be left with what I started out with and later regret not making the all important life changing decision.
I meditate and although throughout I might have to keep pushing negative thoughts to one side it does help calm my internal responses to a minimum for a time,
Walking with my dog sometimes helps, and talking to someone is comforting however in the end we have to deal with what is the reality of the situation don't we.
We make choices as to what happens to us in life and so if we stay static and avoid these life issues do we avoid stress?
Sadly it doesn't seem to be like that for me, I have learned to get over many things in my life but I am realising that with age comes a higher level of anxiety. I also know I cannot sit on my hands and wait for life to happen to me I must take charge of the bits I can change whilst living with the bits I cannot.

I 'Vant' to Be Alone

I have reached the age of 70 and  decided that I 'vant to be alone' like Greta Garbo, the old  movie star, who dramatically uttered the famous words whenever she felt overwhelmed by the demands of others.
I too want to be alone,  not isolated, merely living with myself in harmony, if that is possible.
I never really wanted  nor expected to be alone, indeed feared it as I have grown older. However now see it as a form of sanctuary.

When we go into a life time relationship with someone, perhaps we have to give up something of ourselves in order to live together? For example when you care deeply for another person isn't there an element of anticipating the other's needs? Recognising when they are having difficulties with health or emotional upsets, supporting and helping them through tough times.  Maybe my post war generation  was raised with  some Victorian values towards marriage.

In a strong marriage a couple become a partnership, best friends, giving each other security in so many ways. Each brings love and shared intimacy and acceptance of the other's foibles, needs and desires. Generally they have similar values about family and life in general.

It takes time to develop this process generally based upon a deep understanding of one another. Gradually becoming the foundations for the future.
You may not agree,  perhaps you believe that living in harmony means keeping your own council, looking after yourself and only giving what is asked for at any given time. This does not allow for symbiosis and sadly one half of the relationship might  be looking after oneself whilst the other is trying to keep the relationship alive. The cause of so many breakups.

When a healthy symbiosis is formed it means interdependence, interaction, co-operation and trust. With care this process ebbs and flows between the two. However when one or all of these processes fall down surely the partnership will  slowly disintegrate.

Many of those I have worked with as a therapist blame the breakup of their partnership on loss of trust. 'I no longer trust that s/he will be there if and when I need him/her' is very familiar. Not just trust in being true to the relationship but trusting that one can rely on the other in various times in life with family and illness etc.  Trust is implicit in any partnership but if that trust is broken then the foundations of the relationship become shifting sand. To trust your other half, means to have faith and a belief of the others commitment to the relationship. It means an expectation of each other, a reliance and confidence in the other being there. Once trust is fractured then so is the symbiosis, doubts become cracks in the walls of the relationship, questions seep in as to whether or not there is true co-operation and once lost can only be patched up, that is,  if it can  be regained at all.

I would hear one half of a partnership say, 'I don't know if I can trust her again.'
Always with the expectation that the other to fail you so grains of paranoia seep into the structure. Faith is lost in relationship which may never be regained.

I have lived alone for three years before following the death of my first husband after 30 years together. After the initial terror of being left I got used to it and some aspects enjoyed, but during that three years moments of loneliness led me towards finding someone new. That was nearly nine years ago and now, sadly I have made the mammoth decision to leave. No easy move because of course, being alone at 25 or even 55 is easier because one can be confident in ones health and general sense of well being.

However even though I recognise the pitfalls of living alone I also do not trust myself to stay for the right reasons. Maybe I expect too much from a relationship but is trust, co-operation, expectation and confidence too much to ask? Is feeling loved too much to ask?

Up to now I have not mentioned love, finding someone attractive is not love, it is the first step on a thousand mile journey of discovery. Love grows with trust and commitment that is why so many relationships last for a life time because they have found the keys to success. However there is no chance of success when one in the partnership gives love openly and willingly whilst the other takes it without much return.   Of course some people are more capable of deep warm affectionate love, whilst others are less free with the giving side which for me is the beginning of the end. Whilst one basks in the warmth of the giver the giver slowly fades away.

One can keep on giving love and affection to another but if it is not symbiotically exchanged how can one survive without becoming tired and drained of energy?

Love is a trap, but marriage is the eye opener.

After only nine years in the job of being a second wife to a second husband I have decided to call it a day. As the Americans so eloquently put it ' I am done'. It didn't happen over night, although 'him in doors' thinks it has. It's been creeping on slowly, a little bit of disharmony here and a bit of disgruntled resentment there, a great yawning lack of appreciation and warmth from him and a sense of insecurity about not feeling loved or cherished from me.
I know, we all go through it and in relationships one has to compromise and anticipate along with all the other clichés one can come up with.  'Nobodies perfect',  'it takes two to tango', and we all have our funny little ways don't we? All aimed toward reassuring myself that I have my faults and funny little ways too, and needless to say,  no one is perfect.
I am almost 70 and have been there, seen it and done it. I have been through so much in my life and know that I can compromise and work hard that I can give and take but I  also recognise when it's not working and when there is a landslide.
In my first marriage we were together a long time  and we would never have come to this, but sadly he died and left me thirteen years ago. With thirty years of marriage under our belt we had bitten the bullet so many times our teeth nearly fell out. However we stuck it through and came around to being 'together'  through most ups and downs which generally made us stronger. His terrible long illness and subsequent death at only 57 the greatest test of all which left me bereft and floundering for a long time. It is true to say that there had been times when I did feel like walking out of that marriage but the important thing is, I never did, we always seemed to work it out. Back then I know that this was a lifetime commitment to a man who had given me stability. We used to laugh about how he saw me as like a little astronaut drifting off from the space ship to explore strange new lands (he was the space ship) then  I would float back into the safe haven he offered to ground myself and fill him in on what I had been doing on this or that training course with this or that person. Always, the island he offered was sturdy and filled with solid ground but the main thing was I always knew he loved me and I him.

Perhaps older second  marriages are never easy because there has so much gone before. Each of us with our own families, children and grandchildren, each with either resentment about having a new 'step mother or step grandparent'.  Remarrying in the latter years can either be wonderful or troublesome. Not getting on with the other's children might be only a small part of it but even when resentment isn't obvious it will be there and  can be felt in the air between and not always from the children. All that aside  the newly formed twosome must be strong enough to deal with the aging process, illness and insecurities and I wonder now could it ever have worked because there was no steady ground built in years together beneath our feet. We have been living on ever shifting sand and our relationship over time has begun to sink.

I could feel lots of passing issues between us but apparently it was only me who felt that insecurity. It's strange isn't it that we only recognise issues and uncertainties from the past when the present becomes unsteady. In retrospect one can look back and see where the rungs on the ladder started to crack and coming back down the rungs has been difficult and destabilising.

'Love is a trap' my mother used to say and 'Marriage is an eye opener'
Maybe that's true but surely all  each of us wants from a long term relationship is to feel loved, cherished and cared for, especially in old age. A lot depends upon how much the other is prepared to make it work.

For a while now I haven't felt loved which is like being starved, I know because I have taken to comfort eating. I am a naturally loving and warm natured person and have become the one who is chasing love, seeking it working hard for it. Now I realise I have done what is historical for me, trying too hard to keep the other happy and in so doing given up on myself. I feel sad and disappointed it is over but I also think it is better for each  to part before we emotionally damage each other any further.

Knitting! Mind Blowing or Mindfulness Meditation?

My mother taught me to knit, like most little girls in the early fifties we were expected to learn the rudiments of domestic bliss. Cooking, sewing, any and all the post war female was responsible for. Hardly thrilling, however making a Dirndl skirt of a square of floral material with and elastic waist band.....mind blowing and a useful technique, back in the early fifties.   Boys did woodwork, girls domestic science at my small catholic school, there was little in the way of equality.

Knitting was my mother's prerogative because she enjoyed it, particularly the complexities of Fairisle. How I hated those hot prickly sweaters, so old fashioned, but I learned how to cast on and off, stocking stitch and rib whilst making little baby vests and cardigans when expecting my daughter. Almost 49 years ago. All of this returned from the recesses of my mind when a few months ago I was preparing myself for a visit to my daughter and my two little granddaughters. I wandered the shops searching for a couple of presents for them. Purely by chance, finding in a large toy store two little baskets containing knitting needles, wool and a pattern.  From this , for first time in all those years, I passed on what little knitting skills I had learned to the two of them. During my visit we took a trip to the craft shop in order to buy better quality knitting needles and wool, from which we proceeded to  create lots of little things from simple squares of stocking stitch, and rib. It was such fun and so intense because when you teach a child something like that they test your metal and you are supposed to know. Somehow I dredged what little knowledge I had to pass it on. It was a wonderful experience and I loved every minute of my stay with my darling family.

Once home I felt strangely bereft as I had no knitting to do so I ventured forth into the foreign land of my local wool shop to buy a pattern book of small knitted animals, wool and needles and off I went on a journey of discovery about myself. During my life I have generally shaken my head in wonder at the idea of others knitting and sewing. The creative aspects of  handicrafts was something I had never envisage  being involved in. Mainly because I didn't see myself as capable of the patience or temperament to 'make' something unique that only I could create.
I am a creative person because I like to paint and write but using my hands in a practical way to actually produce something was a long way from my abilities, or so I thought.

At nearly 70 years old I have found something  unique in the light tapping of knitting needles. My mind allowed to wander without worry for a while as I  concentrate deeply, counting  rows or stitches or general layout, the wool dangling from the needles growing into  whatever design of my choice. Don't get me wrong, I make lots of mistakes and have to unpick, undo, go back over and restart but words cannot describe the self soothing nature of those needles and wool. I become almost detached from the reality of the world around me.  I can think deeply about something in life or I can drift away into the medative nature of repeated knit one pearl one, thus clearing my mind of all the every day aggravations that surround me.

Sometimes the hours have passed without my even noticing. I can see that physically it is not so good to sit for hours but mentally I have found a method of meditation that sooths the inner struggles associated with the aging process. I cannot see myself tiring of this because it takes a long time to knit a jacket or a blanket of a scarf or whatever takes your fancy.

Are You Being Yourself?

I have recently joined a new group for meeting friends, women of like minds and age talking like only women can, about their lives, their loves peppered with a bit of gossip, some laughs about their other half and family  ups and downs. It doesn’t get better than that. It felt good to laugh and chat together and reach levels of closeness and intimacy that comes from being with other women. It was whilst soaking up that ambiance I became acutely aware of how freely I talked. Revealing who I was and what I had done over the last few years since retiring to North Wales. I felt relaxed as if I had known these women for years. It was so easy to show myself, my new life with my relatively new husband.  Growing old has its advantages.

As a young woman I recall how painfully shy I was. Anxious about saying too much or not saying enough and conscious of how I looked, what people thought, and always in my imagination failing to measure up to their expectations, whatever they might have been. My real self was hidden behind some need to protect from disapproval, failure, and worse still being seen as stupid. My major issue was observing ‘myself’ through the eyes of others, constantly trying to interpret another’s expectation. Exhausting! How many, I wonder have had this experience.

Now at nearly seventy years old I realise what it means to ‘be myself’ and this has been a process rather than an event.  It is about being authentic, real, spontaneous and relaxed around others. It’s about self-acceptance and feeling good-enough. It’s a time when you are no longer on trial, whether in your mind or because of another’s opinion.

So many people find it difficult to be close within friendships, carrying a fear of intimacy because of the dread of loss, fear of rejection and failure,  many trying to anticipate what others expect so that, in itself, prevents a sense of freedom.

To be true to oneself means being a leader rather than a follower, taking opportunities as they arise without fear of making mistakes or rejection.  Letting go of the idea that we need to behave, think and feel in a certain way to impress or keep in with others.

What’s important going ahead and making choices without needing constant reassurance from others and setting boundaries so that others cannot influence you into doing something you don’t want to. As I have grown older it has become obvious that being me merely means having self-value, self -respect and self-esteem. This has not happened over night, it has, of course been a gradual process and life has presented many obstacles over which I have climbed, making me into the person I have become. I am grateful to have had so many chances at being myself. I would not turn back the clock. I would not want to be young again unless as the old cliché implies, ‘if I knew then what I know now’.

 

This was first published on Gransnet.com blogs

           

THE HISTORY OF LIFETIME FRIENDSHIPS

Do you consider yourself to be a friendly person? I did until I reflected back over the working years and pondered  that I may not have been as friendly as first thought. On leaving school at fifteen which is nearly fifty five years ago I cannot remember with confidence friendships that mattered. A victim of bullying I see only those years as sticking to the other kids who were out in the cold like me.
My working life started in a factory pushed by my mother who had worked hard all her life, who believed it would be good for me.  So I went into a cigarette making factory, not ideal I suppose for a fifteen year old but I didn't smoke so it didn't bother me that everyone else did. We were given free cigarettes at the end of the week which I gave to my stepfather who seemed very happy about it. I earned good money and friendships were more about going out for a laugh and a good time on Friday night, none deep and meaningful.
Years later I became a nurse and all through  I had good friends and yet they are no where in my life today. What does that say about me I wonder?
Before I started nurse training I had trod the boards of many factories, easy back then to fall out with one job and fall into another. In some ways we were the lucky generation for work because of the rise of industry after the second world war. I moved a way to work by the sea side for a time in the hotel business as a chamber maid, but those friends have long gone.
Although friendships seemed to slip away like water through a sieve I made one friend, Joan who I considered my best friend, until she found a boyfriend, married him and moved to Australia. Was it that awful day when I waved her off which had such an impact upon me? I made the decision to not bother getting close in the future.
True friends came much later when I started to grow up a little and become more sensible throughout my nurse training days. It's strange now how I am struggling to remember my fellow student nurses and the wonderful times we had throughout our training,  I know we laughed a lot. By then I had a daughter and needed to come home at night so all the parties and the fun times were not for me in those days. Ambition became my friend and now retrospectively there wasn't much time for friendships.
It was in 1987 when I began my training in Psychotherapy I found true friends. Until then I had kept some part of me back from relationships, in training we needed to allow ourselves to become vulnerable, let others  see beneath the various masks we wear in our daily encounters.  Making oneself vulnerable means showing  true emotions, being honest and allowing others into our hidden worlds. Very frightening sometimes.
Friends made back then and onward are still my friends. I may not see all of them but I have a sense that we could call on each others as if it were yesterday.
There seems a deeper sense of connection and like-mindedness with these friends because of the sharing aspects of our training. We learned the true meaning of empathy and love and that endures in all friendships I have made since. I no longer wear a mask, or hide my true feelings and for many that can be too much. Being myself with people I meet means that some may not stay around long enough to be friends.
It is important to know yourself and be true to yourself then real friends can really get to know you and can feel free to be themselves also.